ErinGoBragh

Once upon a time, after finishing up my B.A. in English and filled with bright visions of writing and creating for a living, I stumbled unaware into a career in the health industry. This twisting, brambled path led me into darkness. Amidst the darkest days of despair and anguish, lost in a forest of regret and self-loathing, I saw a glimmer of light between the trees.

Despite finding myself in an industry that I had no desire nor preparation to be a part of, I found a small interest in the raw mechanics of the human body.

The blood lab at the hospital would come every morning towards the end of my over-night shifts and draw their labs from patients. I came to know through the process of inputting every medical order what each lab measured and why. Surgeries were prepped for and tests performed, and I became familiar with the GI tract and respiratory system and the endocrine system and their many complications and solutions.

Later, at the SNF, I witnessed the devastation of dementia and was intrigued by stage IV wound care and how to teach someone who'd broken a hip or suffered a stroke to walk and eat again. As in the hospital, the corporate part and the AMA and the needless drugs and procedures and medications infuriated and outraged me, but the rest was like taking a great live-action health class.

You see, I hated the medical industry for the most part, but by God, I loved the marvels of the human body.

After leaving the SNF I started my CMT journey. Since becoming a massage therapist, I've taken additional classes to become certified in more specific areas like Reiki and Pre- and Post- Natal bodywork. The learning never has to end, and I love it.

I remember one time talking to my husband about things that interest me for my future career, and how much I've become an enthusiast about childbirth, particularly natural methods. I've read some amazing literature on childbirth in various world cultures and have always loved it. The conversation came and went.

This last May, we were on a trip to the coast for the weekend and I again brought up how I think I'd like to think about becoming a childbirth doula. Being a massage therapist is a great foundation. As we talked about it, a little green car changed lanes right in front of us. Across the back windshield was a giant sticker: www.my3doulas.com. Strange, to say the least. 

In class that same month, someone found an ad for the Kate Jordan Bodywork for the Childbearing Year Seminars in a massage magazine. This intense workshop would certify you in bodywork techniques for pre-natal, post-partum, and labor support. I signed up right away, and my passion was further ignited.

Now my sister is pregnant. Although I haven't worked with her as much lately as I'd have liked to, we talk about her pregnancy frequently. She surprised me by saying that she was seeking out the Bradley Birthing Method classes in our area, (I'm so proud,) and she'd like to have a doula or a labor support present, and that if I feel that by that time I would be confident enough she thinks I'd be the best person. I am overjoyed. She contacted the most well-known doula in the area (there are not many here) and though she was unable to meeting with my sister for classes, they got to talking about me. Doula says that my certification is wonderful and the greatest thing have as a doula, and that I should give her a call. She's had a few other ladies contact her about mentorship, so if she gets enough of us, she can bring the doula training right here to Fresno.

I have her number in my planner. I keep staring at it. 

What if everything- from my English degree and interst in anthropology, to my "accidental" step into healthcare, to massage therapy, to my additional certification, has been leading me to this? What if all along these heartbreaks and triumphs have been setting a foundation to do something that I am sincerely interested in? And with a pregnant sister who needs me, I have more reason than ever to persue it now.

Standing on the cusp of something unexpected, I am almost frightened. This may mean leaving a job that has treated me well for a year (though isn't at all what I want for a career.) It may mean another financial sacrifice. It may mean changing everything.

I haven't called her. I'm mustering something up inside that I cannot describe.

A couple months ago- when we brought on the "help" at work that turned out to be anything but and I was stressed out about so many things- my husband sent an instant message to me at the office:

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."  -Matthew 6:34

My husband does not read the Bible, but came across this verse somewhere that day and thought it might help me get through the struggles I was facing. It was completely appropriate, and a nice word of advice.

I wrote it on an over-sized post-it note and stuck it to the wall of my desk so that I would remember it.  Later on that day, I shared it with a co-worker.

Her eyes filled with tears, and she thanked me for sharing. She's having trouble at home along with stress at the office. She believes that God sent that message to me so that I could share it and comfort her. She printed it out and taped it to her computer.

Last week at work was extremely tough. Some things happened that resulted in- well, let's just say that things really couldn't be worse, but we're a great team and pulling together now. I really can't go into more detail.

The morning this all came to light, one of the owners passed by my desk on his way outside. He paused and said, "I like your scripture." He told me that the previous night at 9:30PM, he was sitting at my desk, finally getting to eat his dinner and watching the locksmith change the locks and he saw the verse. He thought it was just right.

I was suddenly filled with hope.

This is how God speaks. It has taken me all these years to finally see it. As a kid I would sit in front of my open Bible and beg God to speak to me. Years of silence have left me jaded and my faith dangling by a thread.

God speaks in the post-it on a coworker's desk that wasn't meant for you but found you anyway at the right time. God speaks in the hunch of the belly, when we just know something. God speaks in intuition and consiousness. God speaks in the coincidence that seems unlikely, the subtleties of convenient events. God speaks in the voice of a friend or a stranger.  Sometimes God uses the voice of Mother Nature, in the whisper of the swaying pines filling you with serenity and hope and something solid to believe in.

This is God's voice. God is speaking. I am listening.

On the cusp of November, NaNoWriMo staring me in the face and being fully prepared with plot and notes to boot, my MacBook Pro kicked the bucket.

Kicked the bucket!

Really?! I thought as the screen remained black despite my repeated clicking of the power button. Reliable and a faithful companion through university essays and poems and hundreds of blogs and even more hours of internet browsing in living rooms and offices and coffee shops across Fresno County, finished in a moment when it suddenly refused to turn on.

They tell me the logic board is shot. Heh. My logic board feels shot lately, too, so I can't blame it. It'll take about $310 to fix, which we simply cannot afford until long after the holidays. The problem with Apple products is that they're never cheap to fix when they break. So my husband pulled out his old PC for me and set it up on my craft table in the office. He'd been using the monitor in a duel-monitor setup with his Mac. Good thing we still had it. I had dreams of taking my laptop with me to the coffee shop to work on my novel, devoid of the distractions of home, but this will have to do. Somehow I think that I'll be getting a lot less writing done than I'd anticipated.

This weekend I decided to be creative. On Friday my mother-in-law hosted a pumpkin-carving party. I carved a swine flu face. I promise to post pics later. On Halloween Chris and I decorated the door in cobwebs and set our jack-o-lanterns out front, and fed chocolate to about half a dozen kids from the complex while we ate roasted brussels sprouts and watched a movie. My hands got antsy, so I crocheted a baby beanie to go with the baby sweater I did last weekend. On Sunday I decided to make the invitations for my sister's baby shower, which I'm hosting on December 6th. The blank notes were cheaper than pre-made invites, and now they're far cuter. I busted out the watercolors and Q-tips and pink ribbon and made a simple but cute invitation that I think will be well-recieved.

As I sat there doodling and playing with water colors, I was reminded how many art supplies I have at home and how much I like to create, even if I'm not the best at every medium. Now that my office is somewhat organized, I should feel freer to make and do.

It is November 3rd, and even though I have a computer set up, I haven't started a single word for NaNoWriMo. I had planned on waking up on Sunday morning, walking to Starbucks with my laptop and writing for hours to jump things off, but since I am sans laptop, I am less enthused. What is wrong with me?! I was so excited, but now that November is here, I think I am afraid. I need to remind myself that this isn't an essay for school- this is FUN stuff! Tonight I'll start, I swear I will.

I mentioned briefly not long ago that my sister called and started talking about a baby name they were considering. Her husband fell in love with this name out of the blue with absolutely no discussion about it and was insistent upon it. Insistent! She wasn't sold on it, but he kept calling the baby that until she couldn't help but think of it as the baby's name.

She and her husband had decided that they were not going to reveal the name they chose until the baby was born in order to avoid comments and criticism, so when she was talking to me about it I was in the dark. But she did end up giving me enough info about what she thought about the name to get me thinking, and I started narrowing it down to a couple names I suspected it might be but had nothing concrete to really make a guess.

That night I had a dream that I was at their home and they were telling me that they would never tell me her name- even after she was born- unless I guessed it. And I only got three guesses. I was bawling with disappointment, and blurted out one guess- Allison. I was correct, and my brother in law stood up in rage, pounded his fist on the table, and accused me of cheating and threatened me severely.

Strange dream, so I told my sister, who informed me that my dream guess was pretty close. Right away I knew that it had to be one of the names I was suspecting. And I was right!

I feel almost kinda maybe psychic.

So, they've officially decided on it, and told not only my parents but my aunt's whole family. I'm assuming it is safe to spread the word!

Her name will be Addison.

Middle name is probably going to be Joy.

Addison Joy.

Frankly, I wasn't sold on it right away either. I didn't tell my sister this, though.  This is an extremely trendy name right now, and I'm not one for trends. Or nicknames, and she's sure to be called Addy.

But of course I like it, and it is growing on me, and her buddies can call her A.J. when she gets older which is totally cool and something I would have loved to be able to do with my name as a kid.

My niece has a name!

I would like to learn how to knit.

Everywhere I look lately, someone is knitting something awesome. I don't know if it's just trendy right now or what. I've always thought I was rare for my age for doing hand crafts such as this, but I see a lot of young folks knitting these days. I see baby hats, blankets, sweaters that I would just love to make myself and wear, stockings, you name it. I want to knit baby clothes for my niece, and sweaters for myself. Knitting is repetitive and seems to be relatively simple, and the type of project I could cozy up on the new couch and work on late at night, (and by late I mean 8:00PM because I'm an old lady at heart.) Autumn weather begs for projects like this. I am drawn to tactile crafts that result in something functional.

I'm a hooker instead. My mom is/was a crocheter before she was a quilter, and both she and grandma taught me at a young age, and I love how intricate and complex crocheted works can be in their detailed stiches. I'd like to start in on some fine work such as lace. I enjoy crocheting very much and am quite good at it, but find that I like the look and versatility of knit for practical items. One year for Christmas, my mom bought me a teach-yourself-to-knit kind of kit, and it went beautifully, but that was ages ago and I think she might even have the book and needles at her house still! I don't remember how but know that I would pick it up again right away.

The problem for me in learning a skill like this is that I hate practicing on measly useless items like sampler scarves. It I am going to spend money on yarn (not cheap!) then I want to make something useful, but why spend money on and make something you intend to use if it's not going to be any good because it's a practice piece?

I've been dying to craft. Mom is going to come help me get started on one of my quilt tops again, but I want a couch project. About two years ago I started a sampler afghan so that I could learn more stitches and patterns, but I've been getting a little frustrated with it. I chose Autumn brown, orange, and yellow and wanted it to be an Autumn afghan, but I have a horrible habit of starting multiple projects and leaving them mid-way because I find something new to start (Mom says I'm just like my Aunt Gayle, and I've seen her quilt studio... Mom's right,) and I think this afghan may not be finished in time to see Autumn for another year.

But, I'm sure that with a niece due in February, I'd have plenty of motivation to finish up that dress and beanie!

WE HAVE COUCHES!

The sofa and loveseat came yesterday. My, they're even nicer than I remembered from the store! They're a much darker brown than I remembered (which I love) and inviting and clean and comfy cozy. The cat has show no interest in making them scratching posts, probably because one claw got painfully caught in the tight microfiber weave and now she's scared to try. We had discussed trying out a new arrangement of the living room now that the large bookshelf is in the office, and when I arrived home after work the room was completely different and feels very...settled. I so happy about it! I am so glad we made this investment.

There are two things left that I really want to do to our apartment to achieve the homey feel. The lovely little kitchen needs a punch, and my designer husband suggested making a wall piece will paint chips that we can get for free from the home improvement warehouse. Did you know that the color names that are printed on the chips can be erased with a white eraser? Neither did I. We intend to do the whole wall over the table in a paint chip color study.

The second thing I want to do is to get some photographs of family and friends on the walls. The bum part of this is buying frames, which gets pricey quickly. I'll browse through some thrift stores first; I don't really need the frames to all match as long as I carefully arrange them, and it is easy to spruce up old frames. But now that the couches are anchored to walls, they're begging for something of interest in that blank space.

One whole wall in the living room is mirrored (odd, I know, but I learned to love it,) and now that the small bookcase is up against that wall, I am imagining using it as a display shelf for albums and lining candle on top so that the flames glimmer in the mirror. Everything suddenly feels so established and comfortable and I even caught myself saying last night that there was a good place for a baby to play in the living room which evoked a horrible glare and scolding from Chris before he quickly retreated to the office.

I meant my niece. Duh. 

Tomorrow between the hours of 3:00PM and 7:00PM our new couches will arrive.

I am so tired of alternating between a patio chair and the floor. I just want to lay on a sofa under a throw and watch TV and chip away at the sampler afghan I've been crocheting off and on for two years.

My apartment complex is currently pressure-washing and re-painting all of the buildings. We were hoping they'd be done by the time our couches arrived so there wouldn't be an issue with getting them up the stairs and into the apartment. They just started our building on Friday and there are ladders and workmen everywhere. It is raining today and is expected to last through the next couple of days. Not the best conditions, but I still hope I get them tomorrow!

I haven't seen it rain this consistently in Fresno in a long time. It hasn't stopped for a second since I left the house this morning. It's good for us, but I hope the farmers had their raisins and things in before it came. People are driving like idiots and there have been too many traffic accidents today, and Fresno streets are already flooded because the drainage system sucks. My arm aches like crazy and I just realized it aches in the same spot where I fractured the radius in the 3rd grade.

But I love the rain. I am grateful for it. I think I can speak for most Fresnans when I say that we welcome this weather with wide open arms. The sky is dark and it almost feels miraculous to see this much water falling to the earth.

Maybe tomorrow night I will be sitting on my new sofa and watching the lovely rain fall onto the balcony.

What's the last thing you won? How did you win it?

 

I certainly didn't win in Vegas!

 

I won a basket of pretzels and nuts a local assisted living facility's open house last year, and a beach bag for winning a wheelchair race during nurse appreciation week at the SNF I worked for at the time.

 

But the last- and only- big thing I've ever won is my honeymoon.

 

Just two days after getting engaged, there was a big bridal show at the Fresno Convention Center. My mom, sister, and I went just for kicks. My sister insisted that I enter my name in every drawing, and just about everyone there ended up with discounts on tuxes, free cake tastings, etc. Just as we were about to leave, my sister remembered the drawing for a free trip for two had been done and led the way over to the booth. She rounded the corner and exclaimed "Oh my god, it says your name!"

 

I basically said "shut the f*&% up," and laughed. Then I saw her face.

 

The agent saw us and came over. She checked my ID, explained everything, and sent me on my way with a booklet and instructions. I thought there had to be a catch, but it was for real. The trip was to a Breezes Super-Inclusive Resort in either Jamaica or the Bahamas. I called Chris and asked where we wanted to go on our honeymoon. We'd only talked briefly about it because we were students with $0. He thought I was kidding when I told him what had happened.

 

We went to the Bahamas for a week. Everything on the resort was free because it was super-inclusive. When we left California, it was freezing cold, hailing and raining, and miserable. We arrived to balmy 80-something weather, a clear aqua Caribbean sea, and Bahama Mamas brought to us on a tray.

 

We almost stayed forever.

I have returned from a long weekend in Las Vegas.

It was my first time to visit the famous city and I tell you what... wow.

Las Vegas is sparkly. There is so much to see and do!

Really, though, this is not someplace I would want to make it a habit to visit. It was fun to experience, but in general, the whole place is just unhealthy. Drinking, gambling, smokey dirty air, five or six of the seven deadly sins, loads of expensive food and not enough sleep or water... We had a good time with our friends, though, and I'd like to go there again with other friends, but will it be my vacation destination of choice? No.

Still, it was a lot of fun. Sorry, but the details stayed in Vegas.

I wonder how many people the Las Vegas strip employs.

I was grateful that we found airplane tickets that were cheap enough for us to fly. I would not want to make that drive, especially on the way back! A 7-8 hour drive turned into a 50 minute flight rocks my world. From the air, Nevada is stark and wonderful. So strange, the red mesas and snaking cracks worn by rivulets long ago in the hard brown earth, little pockets of civilization in the cracks of canyons. As we neared Fresno, the Sierra Nevadas took over with more familiar grandeur of green and snowy gravel peaks, followed by the green patchwork of agriculture. From the sky, the face of the earth is a shocking collage of man vs. nature.

While we were gone the cat ate my ivy and the garbage disposal developed an unpleasant smell. I cleaned the disposal after soaking up the deep motor-purr of kitty, who was so happy to see us that she hardly wanted to be put down all night. I took a lavendar and epsom salt bath and used a deep-pore facial mask to get all of the Vegas off of me, and slept like a baby until my alarm went off this morning. The cat wedged herself against me all night long.

I gotta be honest: the home office isn't much different than it was before I went all coo-coo. But I feel better about using the room, probably because I had a hand in organizing it and know where everything is, and because all of my supplies are neatly lined up in one place and I can shut the closet doors at any time and hide it all from view!

Now I've got another burning itch, (but gratefully, not when I pee,) to craft like mad! I open the closet and stacks of fabric and bundles of yarn stare out at me, their pretty colors and patterns just crying to find their true form!

Problem is, I don't know what to make!

Last January I went the the epic New Year's sale at Quilter's Paradise in Old Town, and picked up a few pretty fabrics to stash. I must have been in a girly mood that day- rather uncharacteristic as I usually go for earthier prints- because I ended up with several fabrics boasting delicate patterns and soft, feminine pinks. Somehow, I must have known that this year I would be welcoming a baby girl into my life! Last night I stood in front of my stash staring at and touching the little pink paislies and flowers and trying to envision what kinds of baby items these sweet little fabrics could become with a little imagination.

I've been spending a lot of time on Craftster.org for inspiration. No great ideas yet, though.

I really should finish the Snowman quilt I started last year about this time, but I've learne that quilting is the epitome of practicing patience, and I want to finish a project now! It's time to bust out the sewing machine; I'm itchin' for some stitchin'!